When Plants Attack


This spring, allergy season has been particularly bad. I have never reacted so severely to plants having sex. I’ve had a cough and post-nasal drip for almost two months. At one point I had an upper respiratory infection. And it’s not just me; everywhere I go people are complaining about their unrelenting coughs. Brooks’ hay fever is just as bad. Between the two of us there are a variety of sniffling and coughing noises in the apartment.

All these histamines got me thinking about allergies and why the hell they happen. I’m sure if I were to Google there will be all this scientific research about it, but I’d rather just offer my hypothesis. I thought of it last night while I was coughing and Brooks was mouth breathing.

So herding animals like wildebeests have a mating season so that they all have babies at the same time. This helps the survival rate of their species. Plants have a mating season too: spring. Maybe they produce all these allergens to drive away predatory animals so that their offspring have a better survival rate.

And perhaps seasons that are particularly bad, like this season, have to do with plants being super pissed off at their low survival rate because of pesticides, site development, and dog urine. So they are producing even more allergens while plant sexing, causing me to have headaches, dizziness, and a persistent cough.

I’m not going to Google anything. I’m just going to do my part and be nicer to plants.


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